You Might be a Climber If!

·         You have ever frozen your lips to an ice screw while blowing an ice plug at your partner.

·         "just say no to crack " means setting a bolt instead of using a cam.

·         You have ever clipped a 3 ounce set of keys to your belt with a 25 kn. carabiner.

·         You own a $75 dress suit and a $1000 dollar Goretex suit.

·         Your wife has AMS instead of PMS.

·         You have ever used an ice axe to chop weeds in the garden.

·         Your favorite shoes look like Nike ballet slippers.

·         A Mexican bus driver has ever had to open his window because of the way you smelled.

·         You have more summit pictures than wedding pictures.

·         You've ever had icicles hanging from any part of your face.

·         You've pee'd more than 3 liters in one night.

·         You can pronounce Popocatepetl correctly more than once in a row.

·         You say your girlfriend has a great rack and your not referring to her bust size.

·         You've ever fallen so far that you've run out of adrenaline before you ran out of rope.

·         You say "Namaste" instead of "Hello".

·         You like the smell of burning yak dung.

·         You hear the name "Hillary" and think of Everest instead of Mrs. Clinton and White House scandals.

·         'Cos 90°' means it was too steep to go and has nothing to do with 1.

·         "Bomber" is not a noun

·         "Exposed" has nothing to do with flashing your privates

·         "Flash" has nothing to do with exposing your privates

·         "Good protection" has nothing to do with sex

·         "Nuts" has nothing to do with your privates

·         "Sending" something does not involve the USPS, UPS, or Fed-Ex

·         A good Saturday night is spent climbing the side of a house with ice axes and then traversing the stones inset in the swimming pool.

·         A highball isn't a cocktail glass.

·         C4 is under your shoe and the rent-a-cop doesn't say a thing at the airport

·         Every time you drive under a bridge on the highway you almost pull over to try and arch it.

·         fast food tastes better with chalk on it.

·         it's perfectly fine to hang out half naked and in some sort of bondage gear with a bunch of guys.

·         It doesn't make sense to unpack your car, because you're just going to go on another climbing trip soon...

·         its ok to talk about sliding your hand up a greasy crack.

·         Not only is your Nalgene scratched and covered in climbing stickers, but the stickers are so sun-bleached that you can't tell what they say.

·         old rusted chunks of metal and wires are keepsakes, because they were booty.

·         On vacation in France you admire more curves on boulders than you do on women. ·         saying "nice jugs" won't get you slapped.

·         The closest thing you've ever had to a real estate agent was the guy who sold you his VW van

·         the clothes you are currently wearing have chalk on THEM

·         the ice on the inside of your fridge is impaled with an ice screw to hold the biner that is your bottle opener

·         the only books you own are guides to climbs

·         the scent of sweat, and chalk gets you excited.

·         The thing you want most in a new girlfriend is a set of nuts

·         using harnesses, and rope with your significant other has nothing to do with BD[SM]

·         V8 is a tough boulder problem not a drink

·         What you call cold is not on the thermometer scale.

·         When going to the Gym doesn't involve weights or treadmills.

·         When typing you think about how your actually training your tendons.

·         When you hear the words 'nose', 'captain' or 'aid', your hands start hurting and swelling.  

·         you're missing the passenger seatbelt in your approach vehicle... and have a 2" webbing swami that matches the interior

·         You've been arrested for climbing the county courthouse

·         you've used a static line and ascender to clean out your gutters.

·         You aerate your lawn with your crampons

·         you are a 17 year old boy and instead of searching for porn at 1AM, you search for pictures of Gunks classics like the Buddah.

·         You are a cashier and still have hands rougher than a carpenter.

·         You arrive at a climbing gym with stoppers and friends still in your bag.

·         You ask your dad if you can bolt your parents' sandstone fireplace.

·         You begin buying your shoes 2 sizes too small out of habit

·         You brag about taking a whipper

·         You can't understand why people keep asking you why your legs are always so scraped up  

·         You can make it from your car to your attic w/out touching the floor once

·         you can scratch yourself with just your fingers, without using the nails at all.

·         you can wake up a 6:00 am on saturday on 4 hours sleep to drive 3 hours, climb all day, drive 3 hours back and drink the night away but waking up at 8:00 on monday morning to get to work for 9:00 is cruel and unheard of

·         you compete with your friends to see how many doors in your dorm you can drytool before you fall or tear the frame apart

·         You convince a buddy to be your belay slut for the day and hike 4 miles with 40 pounds worth of shit in your pack to some cliff that doesn't exist 'cause you overheard a logger in a bar talking about this "big thing back in the woods" that he almost fell off of.

·         you crimp and pull up on every door jam you walk under

·         You describe the time you fell, buildering on your friend's balcony, as "that horrible climbing accident"

·         you don't get in trouble for staring at someones butt for hours.

·         you don't walk down stairs, your rappel them

·         You drop something at work and yell "Rock !"

·         you get confused when someone says they're rapping gifts for somebody.

·         you get excited cause a guy has micro-nuts

·         You have considered taking your dog to obidience school so he'll stop wimpering when you go too high up.

·         You have ever clipped a 3 ounce set of keys to your belt with a 25 kn carabiner

·         You have had to get rings resized to accomidate "finger biceps" you didn't have before.

·         You have inquired as to whether or not REI has a wedding registry (they do !)

·         you have memorized every move on every problem in every video you have (including the 1+ gig of vids from the internet).

·         you have one of those "falling" dreams and on your way down you scope out the cliff to see if it will go.

·         you have to lie to your girlfriend to cover up your soloing habbit instead of your crack habbit  

·         You hear the word "flapper" from across the room and quiver.

·         you introduce your girlfriend/wife as your belay partner

·         You know how to get on your roof without a ladder

·         You live in Los Angeles, have white powder residue all over your clothes, and you're not a producer.

·         You look at every vertical surface you see as a potential climb.

·         you mark your pens at work with colored tape.

·         You might be a real climber if your rack is so freaking huge that when your significant other askes what you want for your Bday you can't think of anything new and settle for trying to rember which cam is in the worst shape and needs replaceing or which rope system is due for retirement

·         You moan and complain about people getting gear placement wrong in the movies and not when a single bullet blows up a car.

·         you no longer need to use a washcloth in the shower... your hands are rough enough

·         You placed anchors on the side of your 5th story apartment building so you could sleep on your porta-ledge on the weekdays.

·         you put you boss on hold because you have a call from you climbing partner to plan the next climbing trip

·         You say your girlfriend has a great rack and your not referring to her bust size

·         You see a pretty girl in the street and you think: "Hmmm, she's a TD+/5.11R...".

·         you seriously considered turning down Dartmouth to live with your parents forever and climb and then live off their inheritance when they die.

·         You spend three evenings cleaning the crap out from the storage place under the stairs so you can campus them.

·         You surf the porn sights looking for women with long shoulder lines and ripped backs.

·         you think chalk is the answer to everything duct tape isn't

·         you tie your neck tie with a figure 8 knot

·         You use a piton as a bottle opener, can opener, spoon, fork, and knife

·         your bed is no longer slept in because you need somewhere to sort your gear.

·         your climbing gear is the only stuff you own that is neatly put away, and organized.

·         your coffe cup at work has a sling attached with duct tape.

·         Your definition of a candlelight dinner is: "Thaw the ice with the candle and put it in the bag of freeze-dry".

·         your escape plan in case of a fire is rappelling out the window

·         Your forearms are bigger than your biceps.

·         Your girlfriend lives on the sixth floor of her building and you keep forgetting her door code... on purpose.

·         Your roommate stops commenting when you disappear while she's in the shower and don't come home for days at a time.

·         Your suncream is always in a solid state when you need it the most.

·         your super excited to see a Crack, especially if you haven't had one in awhile

·         Your tow hitch has only been used as a rappel anchor and the number one reason you might be a climber....

·         you understood all the previous lines. If you even laughed, you should get back to work... As for ice climbing, you might be an ice climber if.... (thanks to jitterjepp)

·         Sitting on a tropical beach with your toes in the sand sounds boring.

·         You use your ice axes to remove ice dams on your roof.

·         There are only two seasons in your world. Ice climbing and Ice climbing's coming !

·         You think "DAMN THIS HEAT AND GREEN STUFF TO HELL !!"

·         Your air conditioner is a cooling unit for a walk in freezer from Cub.

·         You've got the dream of buying that little hobbie farm not to raise chickens, pigs and grow your own veggies but so you can run a garden hose up that silo in the winter and have your own ice climbing palace in the winter.

·         You take you crampons when you go ice fishing.

·         You over hear your coworkers talking about how they cant wait for the snow to melt and you think "idiots"

·         You say you broke one of your picks and you don't own a guitar.

·         Your ice boots are the most expensive piece of clothing.

·         You can walk around in a t-shirt when it's forty degrees.

·         You are a guy wearing bright yellow boots and no one walking by would call you a sissy.
And the number one reason you might be an ice climber....

·         You live in Minnesota and go to Canada for vacation. IN THE WINTER !